


Carvings

by Kamsu



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Drapple (Harry Potter), Gen, One Shot, Pain, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Self-Harm, Short One Shot, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-08 11:02:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17385257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kamsu/pseuds/Kamsu
Summary: "I do it so it feels like hell. / I do it so it feels real." - Lady Lazarus by Sylvia PlathHermione finds comfort in pain.





	Carvings

Do you know what it feels to feel absolutely nothing? Like your whole body and mind is completely numb. You get so desperate to feel anything that even pain is a relieve. It's bittersweet how something like pain can be so good, like an old friends’ hug.

She didn't blame anyone anymore. Not even the woman who had tortured her to state that she couldn't anymore step out of the door without constantly looking behind her shoulder and holding her wand tight in her hand. Going to muggle world was out of the question since using a wand wasn't an option and she wasn't that good at other kinds of self-defense. Not that she had any reason to go to muggle world anymore. Her parents were good as death but not quite enough that she would see them at other side of the veil if she now decided to take a step there.

There was no need for that, not yet anyway. She has her pain to keep her alive. It was funny that the woman who had caused this had also given her the reason how she had found her way to her salvation.

_Mudblood._

The single word carved to the skin with a cursed blade and no way to be removed. They had tried of course and when other had given up she had decided to try something on her own. She had an image in her head; what if she opened the wound with a regular blade again, maybe then it would heal because the new wound top of the old one wasn't cursed.

It hadn't of course worked. It had been a ridiculous idea, and no one could understand that how the person that they called brightest of her age could had come up with something so stupid.

Still she did it again and again. 

 It had woken something inside her. It had given a her a reason to live. It had taken her numbness away and given her back something that was real.

When her friends noticed all the new scars in her body, they had dragged her to St. Mungo’s and she hadn't bothered to resist, knowing that it would had only made her friends more aggressive. She knew that they meant well but they didn't understand how much better she felt everytime she placed the blade against her skin. They all had their lives. Families and jobs. She didn't have that. All she had was an empty apartment and a bottle of wine occasionally, until now. Now she had something to hold on to. Now she had a friend that was always there and didn't go home to their kids after few hours, after getting tired of her.

The healers had sent her home. They didn't have a jurisdiction to hold someone against their will. They did give her potions that she promised to take with a smile. But when she got home, she flushed them down the toilet and filled the bottles with wine so if someone would show up to make sure she took them she could easily just drink it. She was sure that no one would investigate what was in the bottles, just seeing her take it would be enough, it would be enough to make them feel that they had done their duty and helped.

But she didn't need them. She already had everything she needed hidden under her bed with a charm so when they sometimes turned her house upside down making sure she didn't have anything that could harm her they wouldn't find anything.

But it didn't take long that they stopped doing that too.

It was just her and her pain. Something that was completely and unconditionally _hers_.

 


End file.
